I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
