I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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