The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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