I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Someone came in the potted fern
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
