I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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