I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
