I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
