a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
