Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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