I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
