I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
