I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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