k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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