wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
