i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
