He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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