If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
