Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
