speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
