I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
