He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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