You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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