Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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