Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
