roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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