now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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