Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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