If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
