I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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