im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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