I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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