sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
