I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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