i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
