I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
vagina is talking i cant
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
