She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
