i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
