So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wish there were birth control emojis
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
