Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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