Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
