Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
