i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
