Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
