Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
