so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
