I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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