You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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