I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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