I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
