dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Alive.
So much puke
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
