Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
