How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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