there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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