i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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