She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
