Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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