A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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