I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
